HAVING
LEFT
MADAME
de
Vercellis's
house
in
almost
the
same
state
as
I
had
entered
it,
I
went
back
to
my
old
landlady,
with
whom
I
remained
for
five
or
six
weeks,
during
which
health,
youth,
and
idleness
again
rendered
my
temperament
troublesome.
I
was
restless,
absent-
minded,
a
dreamer.
I
wept,
I
sighed,
I
longed
for
a
happiness
of
which
I
had
no
idea,
and
of
which
I
nevertheless
felt
the
want.
This
state
cannot
be
described;
only
few
men
can
even
imagine
it,
because
most
of
them
have
anticipated
this
fulness
of
life,
at
once
so
tormenting
and
so
delicious,
which,
in
the
intoxication
of
desire,
gives
a
foretaste
of
enjoyment.
My
heated
blood
incessantly
filled
my
brain
with
girls
and
women;
but,
ignorant
of
the
relations
of
sex,
I
made
use
of
them
in
my
imagination
in
accordance
with
my
distorted
notions,
without
knowing
what
else
to
do
with
them;
and
these
notions
kept
my
feelings
in
a
state
of
most
uncomfortable
activity,
from
which,
fortunately,
they
did
not
teach
me
how
to
deliver
myself.
I
would
have
given
my
life
to
have
found
another
Mademoiselle
Goton
for
a
quarter
of
an
hour.
But
it
was
no
longer
the
lime
when
childish
amusements
took
this
direction
as
if
naturally.
Shame,
the
companion
of
a
bad
conscience,
had
made
its
appearance
with
advancing
years;
it
had
increased
my
natural
shyness
to
such
an
extent
that
it
made
it
unconquerable;
and
never,
neither
then
nor
later,
have
I
been
able
to
bring
myself
to
make
an
indecent
proposal,
unless
she,
to
whom
I
made
'it,
in
some
measure
forced
me
to
it
by
her
advances,
even
though
I
knew
that
she
was
by
no
means
scrupulous,
and
felt
almost
certain
of
being
taken
at
my
word.
My
agitation
became
so
strong
that,
being
unable
to
satisfy
my
desires,
I
excited
them
by
the
most
extravagant
behaviour.
I
haunted
dark
alleys
and
hidden
retreats,
where
I
might
be
able
to
expose
myself
to
women
in
the
condition
in
which
I
should
have
liked
to
have
been
in
their
company.
What
they
saw
was
not
an
obscene
object,
I
never
even
thought
of
such
a
thing;
it
was
a
ridiculous
object.
The
foolish
pleasure
I
took
in
displaying
it
before
their
eyes
cannot
be
described.
There
was
only
one
step
further
necessary
for
me
to
take,
in
order
to
gain
actual
experience
of
the
treatment
I
desired,
and
I
have
no
doubt
that
some
one
would
have
been
bold
enough
to
afford
me
the
amusement,
while
passing
by,
if
I
had
had
the
boldness
to
wait.
This
folly
of
mine led
to
a
disaster
almost
as
comical,
but
less
agreeable
for
myself.
One
day,
I
took
up
my
position
at
the
bottom
of
a
court
where
there
was
a
well,
from
which
the
girls
of
the
house
were
in
the
habit
of
fetching
water.
At
this
spot
there
was
a
slight
descent
which
led
to
some
cellars
by
several
entrances.
In
the
dark
I
examined
these
underground
passages,
and
finding
them
long
and
dark,
I
concluded
that
there
was
no
outlet,
and
that,
if
I happened
to
be
seen
and
surprised,
I
should
find
a
safe
hiding-
place
in
them.
Thus
emboldened,
I
exhibited
to
the
girls
who
came
to
the
well
a
sight
more
laughable
than
seductive.
The
more
modest
pretended
to
see
nothing;
others
began
to
laugh;
others
felt
insulted
and
made
a
noise.
I
ran
into
my
retreat;
someone
followed
me.
I
heard
a
man's
voice,
which
I
had
not
expected,
and
which
alarmed
me.
I
plunged
underground
at
the
risk
of
losing
myself;
the
noise,
the
voices,
the
man's
voice,
still
followed
me.
I
had
always
reckoned
upon
the
darkness;
I
saw
a
light.
I
shuddered,
and
plunged
further
into
the
darkness.
A
wall
stopped
me,
and,
being
unable
to
go
any
further,
I
was
obliged
to
await
my
fate.
In
a
moment
I
was
seized
by
a
tall
man
with
a
big
moustache,
a
big
hat,
and
a
big
sword,
who
was
escorted
by
four
or
five
old
women,
each
armed
with
a
broom-handle,
amongst
whom
I
perceived
the
little
wretch
who
had
discovered
me,
and
who,
no
doubt,
wanted
to
see
me
face
to
face.
Nineteenth-century
translation